Friday, December 22, 2006

dance, game, break, party=catch up

Well, lots of stuff to catch up on. First of all, there was the winer dance. The winter dance was pretty fun, I liked it. Although, for the most part it was very "clicky" and there were exclusive groups of ppl only dancing with theselves, so that made it not as fun as the other dances. And I didn't dance with anybody during any of the slow dances. But it still wasn't bad. Also, earlier this wekk I wen to a Phoenix Suns game, and the Suns won their 15th game in a row, which is a new record set for the team, and i was thee when it happened! So that was really exciting. And Now, I'm FINALLY on school break. It;s really nice to finally have a chance to catch up with everything and to just have a break from having to go to school all of the time. It's great, I've needed a break for awhile, I was starting to slip up in my studying and school work and not doing as good of a job as I should have been, but this break will help me get back to normal. Also, there was the this party at Natalie's house, and it was a TON of fun! I loved it! I had so much fun! first we ate this nice meal, then we all danced. The ancing part was aweome, it was probably more fun than the Winter dance was, in my oppionion, but I'm not sure why. It was a great way to start out the break. But yea, well I'm pretty excited for christmas too, now that i have TIME to be excited, haha. But work tommorow is going to be BUSY all day, so that'll be interesting. Well, I think I've caught up on everything, so MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

More craziness in a bad spot

Well, new developments. Ariel isn't mad at Danielle, she couldn't stay mad for any longer than a day, especially after realizing how silly the whole thing was. BUT this has made Fawn even more angry and now she's all mad at Aiel AND Danielle, and is calling them both traitors and stuff. And it really sucks, because I'm caught in the cross-fire. At least two times today i was forced to CHOOSE who I was going to sit and talk with, ect. But it isn't fun, I really despise when this happens. I can't believe this is happening, why can't Fawn just get over it? Now, I'm not saying that I'm mad at Fawn. I'm just frusterated with how she's taking this whole thing. She even not going to do the whole group-thing that we were all going to do for the winter dance because she's all mad. And it really sucks. I'm trying to stand by her, I'm not going to abandon her her, because she's my frreind, even if she does things that make me frusterated. I'm afraid that Fawn's even going to get mad at ME for still hanging out with and talking to Ariel and Danielle. But I can't stand being stuck like this. Because of everything, I don't even know if I WANT to go to the stupid dance anymore, if it's going to cause THIS much trouble. Even if i DID go, ALL my friends that are going are going in these little groups, so I wouldn't even have anyone to hang out with. And I don't want to just "tag along" and be some random doofus bogging down one of those groups, when they already ahve all these thing worked out for all the poeple who are going with each other in the group. So I just don't know... no matter what choice i make, it will have a negative reaction on SOMEONE, there IS no "right" way to get through this, so far as i can tell. but, all I can do is hang on, hope the fighting stops, and see what happens.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

The two last weeks, & winter dance drama

Well, finals are over, and I think that I did pretty ok on everything. The Winter dance is comming up in a little less than a week, and I'm going to go to it, it should be fun. I'll prob just end up by myself, because I doubt anyone will ask me, but whatever. Either way I'm going to go and I'm sure that I'l have fun. Jon was sick this week so he couldn't go with me to a concert we had been looing forward to for about a month, so that really stinks. But we shouuld be able to go one in January tho, so that should make up for it. For Thanksgiving, i went over to Ohio to spend some time with familly I have up there. It was pretty fun, it was really nice to spend a lto of time with all my cousins and aunt and uncle and grandma and everyone. I didn't do anything very active tho, haha, I probably gained weight from just sitting around and watching football everyday. But it was fun though. The only bad part is that I had to do my traveling home on the day we were suppossed to get back to school, so I started out a day behind. It wasn't too hard to catch up in everything, EXCEPT for math, which is a big weakness for me. Now wee've got a big 'ol test on tuesday and I barely understand everything.
In other news, I'm really sad. I'm personally doing fine, but for some reason I think fawn and ariel are mad a danielle because she wanted to go to the winter dance in a group with chistina and molly, and they each asked someone to go with them. Now, I'D think that they wouldn'd care since fawn and ariel aren't asking anyone and are just going to be going. But Danielle said that she wanted to go because she wanted to ask a freind to the dance, so that's what she did. because of that, fawn's been givng her the cold shoulder, and ariel BARELY talks to her (and whenever aariel doesn't talk much - that's generally a bad sign). So it's really messed up, it's like, if danielle wants to be their friend, she isn't allowed to make her own choices or anything. It just doesn't make sense. She didn't do anything WRONG, yet they are still mad at her. I feel rly bad for danielle tho, I hope that everything resolves itself and everything goes back to normal...

haha, and on another note, by the time the winter dance comes and goes it'll be the one-year anniversarry of my blog. It's been pretty fun to have over this last year, and it's been a nice place to be able to just write out what I'm feeling about different things. Yes, there were times I didn't keep up with it, sometimes i just didn't have anything to write about, but i AM still doing it though. i like this blog, it's fun to have.

Monday, November 20, 2006

What's goin' on - free at last

Well I went to the Fall sports banquet at the school and it was nice, I even got a leter (yay!) and all that fun stuff. So yea, i guess that's that. Hopefully if i do football again next year I'll have more fun w/ it at the edn of the year so I don't get sick right in the middl of it like I did this year. But meh, I digress.
The real reason I wanted to write was this: I'M FREE. I've FINALLY, after a lot of struggeling, praying, and so forth, been able to get over my feelings for Dpoo. Ive finnally overcome the thoughts of her invading my mind all the time, and now I'm just alone and a little bit (just a little bit, mind you) more ok with it, although it still isn't fun to be alone. This isn't to say that I don't care about her anymore, because I still do. But now I just think of her as being an awesome friend and an amazing person, and that's IT. I can FINALLY go on with my life and just get on with living and not worry about what she thinks about (besides as a friend of course) anymore. And it feels like i have a burden lifted off my chest. Now that I've finally gotten rid of it all, i hope that now I'll be able to become even closer to Dpoo as a good friend now, and can hopefully be someone she can really trust. And besides all that, things with other friends have generally been going a bit better, too. I've just been having a better time at school as a whole, and it feels good.
So yea, sorry this is a short post, but it means a lot to me.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

The cheer-dinner, & maybey why I am what I am-full of conflictions

Well, yesterday was the day where we, as football players, had a special little dinner for the cheerleaders. First we got the place, Molly's house, all decorated nice fro them. Then we picked them up at the school, where they were waiting. We found who we were escorting, brought them into whichever car we were suppossed to take to Mooly's house, and blindfoldded them on the way there. i got to escort Ariel, which was a lot of fun, she's a really cool person. So, we took took a long route to get to molly's house. Then we finnally got there, and took the blindfolds off their eyes once we got inside the house. We all had assigned seats around three differnt tables, so we took our seats. We then ate food next, which came in several courses. After eating, the football players sang a quick song to the cheerleaders, then we all played a few games. It was a lot of fun, I liked it a lot.
But lately I've been trying to undertand why I am the way that I am. Why do I think about Danielle so much? Why am I so depressed all the time becuase I'm a lone, and don't have a special someone in my life? And I've come up with a few ideas. It's a litttle crazy, but try to follow, if you can. >.>. I think that why I think of my possition of being alone so much, why I'm always dwelling on the fact that I'm kinda all alone and incomplete in this world is this: I want to be able to make a girl happy. More than anything else in whole world, I want to have a girl who I can make happy, to be able to see her smile, to hear her laugh... That would just be amazing. And not just a stupid little dating relationshp type-thing either, I want to be able to find that "perfect someone", I'm wanting to find that special-someone out there in the world, wherever she may be. My hearts calls to her, and it makes me hurt inside, since I don't know who she is. It's the weirdest thing, and since I don't know who or where she is, it makes me feel like I'm really lonly, like I'm missing a part of me. It's really hard to explain, it's the weirdest thing ever. It's the reason why I find romantic movies so hard to watch, it's why certain songs make me really still and quiet, and make me love the song, even if it's not something I'd normally listen to. It makes me feel like I'm sitting in the middle a a great big mass of nothingness, just sitting, waiting for tme to pass me by, in hopes that one ay, just maybe, I'll find her, whoever she is. And I know this is weird, and I don't think it's normal and that I may have a problem, since this isn't te kind of thing that guys normally think about, talk about, or do AT ALL. So it makes me think that maybe there's something wrong with me... Or maybe there's something wrong with me, so that i will NEVER find that special someone, what if i do NEVER have someone who I can put all of my time and effort into making her happy? And then when I think about things like that, it makes me feel depressed. Even if I'm not thinking about it dierctally, people that see me at school sometimes will be like "Are you alright Stephen?" because, apparently, I get a really sd look on my face whenever I think about things like this. And so then I just have to laugh it off and pretend like I'm not thinking these things, because there isn't anyone I know who I can trust with these things. . . And as far as me really liking Danielle so much, it's because she's EXACTALLY the kind of girl I'm looking for. That's why I like her so much. Because she IS the exact kind of person I'm looking for, even though in my heart I know that it will never lead to anything, so then there's another thing that makes me feel all depressed. I wish that I could stop thining about her romantically, becuase i KNOW that I'll only be a friend with her. She's an amazing person, she's an awesome friend ans I'm really glad that I know her. But what I need to do is tuck away my feelins for her, so that I can just be friends, maybe even like best friends one day, with her. She's an awesome person, and I can't wait to get to know her better as a friend... That is, I WISH I could do all of that, but I CAN'T. I CAN'T let go of my feelings for her. i really, truly care for her, she's such a beautifuly amazing person, and I'm always thinking about her. She's got everything I'm looking for, I really really wish that something could happen between us when the time is right, maybe we'll go to the same college and then...well who knows. But she's an amazing person, I just can't stop thinking about her. I'm not trying to keep saying the same thing over and over, it's hard to find words to say about her, she's just so... perrfect, words can't really explain how I feel for her. She's just so amazing, she's the nicest person that I know, she's ALWAYS happy, she's always uplifting, and seeing her smile, just to see her smile, makes me feel better whenever I'm feeling down. And oh my gosh, when she laughs... she has this certain, particular laugh that she makes sometimes, and when she does it then wow... wow what can I say about it... And then... haha well I'll just stop, I don't want ot keep going on and on and bore you, whoever may be reading this. But yea, so I'll bet you can see why I'm so confilcted inside my heart now...

Well sorry if all that was hard to follow, but it's been botteled up for a while and this silly blog is the only place I have to express myself, it's the onl y thing I can put this kinda info on, even though it stinks that I have no one I can talk to still... sorry again if I have spelling errors on here, I'ma bad typist.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Things a happenin'

Well, I'm finally done with football. We played our last game against the mesa stom, so naturally we lost. But, it was still a really fun game to play in though. Looking back on the fotball season, I think it was pretty fun for the most part. But, after a while, practices sarted to become really monotonous, and people all around the school started to be all retardd about the team and diss it, and that got annoying. it became hard to keep my team spirit alive near the end, it seemed to be more fun near the negining, but the latter parts were still fun, too. If I play agin next year, I'll have to be sure to try even harder, especially in keping my team spirit the whole year long. We're doing this thing tommorow as a football team for the cherleaders, where we're going to escort them to a place where we're all going to eat food together, and then play games and stuff like that, as ell as giving them thank you cards. The football players are being paired up with cheerleaders, and i was paired up with Ariel, which is cool so i can be paired up with a friend who I get along really well with instead of someone i don't even know. So, we'll see how that turns out. Since football ended, I've been trying to exercise on my own, and I want to start doing some weight lifting and stuff too, so hopefuly that will go good, too.
On a differnt note, things with friends have been going a littlo bit better than before. I'm still really quite and stuff a lot of the time for some stupid reason, but things have still been going better, although I still have no one that i can REALLY talk to trust with everything. As far as Danielle goes... Well, I've been trying desperatly to try to think of her as only a friend, and to try not to think abut her as being the awesome girl that she and wishing we culd be something mroe than frends. I've been trying really hard to kill off those feelings, I've been really trying to try to kill off the part of me that likes...but it's hard. I wish I could just be like best friends with her and forget all about liking her, but for some reasons my stupid feelings aren't going away. And, as a result of me trying to get rid of my feelings, I've caught myself accidentally trying to avoid being around her as much as possioble, which is only making things worse...which is weird, becuase more than anything I want to be around her... I don't know, it's really hard to explain, but it hurts my heart really badly is all I know...

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

A rant, and my final loss of deep trust

How would you feel if suddenly (insert whtever sports team you play on) had over half of it's people who were all new players, and all of those people didn't give a crap about whether you win or lose. Then you have injuries and lots of people getting sick, so all of your best players can't even play, so these new kids who don't care are forced to play. Then, since they don't care, you never win any games, even though you're pooring your whole heart out into your team and playing as hard as you can. You even come really close to winning several times, but you just fall short of it, often at the very end, and sometimes you play a team that outclasses you all over the feild and there's nothing you can do about it. Then everyone in the whole freakin school sits around and badmouths your team, and your so-called "bff" who inores you all the time especially likes to dis the team and says every week "you guys are going to lose" right in front of your face. Even though you know you probably will lose, hearing your "bff" say it on a dayly basis just makes things worse, espcially since you already feel like you suck at playing as it is. You originally wanted to play not because you cared about winning per sei (althouh it would obviously be nice to win), but because you thought it would be a fun way to spend some time with some pople you know at your school and to help you get into shape. but everyone keeps dissing your team, gets to the point where to start to forget why you even joing in the first place, even though you've been through so much with the team. Well, welcome to my world of jmps football.
On another note, today I heard Jon B gossiping about me begind my back. I don't know what he said, but, for a time, he was someone I could trust and talk to about personal things, for a while there he was the only person I had left. Well, I guess not anymore. If that's the way he's going to be, then I guess I'll have to take back a lot of trust that I've given him. Sure, I'll still be his friend and stuff, but there's no way I can trust him with personal things anymore, especially if he's going to sit around and gossip about me with freakin' kendall. Well what the heck ever. I guess I'm just doomed to life of loniliness inside. Although i may have "friends" who want me to think I can trust them on the outside, there's no one I can talk to anymore, no one with who I can share my deep, personal thoughts with or my personal struggels. All I have now is this blog... I guess the quote "Never take friendship personal" is a true one that I'm going to have to learn to accept.

again, sorry for any spelling errors, I don't have time to fix them right now.